Top Ten Things
You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
- It is always possible
to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can
only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide
to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers
are powerful enough to override the communication systems
of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter
if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
- No one involved
in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- When they are
alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always
find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be
picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news
bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment you turn the television on.
top ten reasons why the television is better than the World
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change
9. When was the last
time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error
8. There are fewer
grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never
argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control
has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst
TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction"
4. Seinfeld never
slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't
find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes
don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf
the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in
Top Ten Things To Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though.
There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to
1. I really don't deserve this.
Top Ten Signs That You've Had
Too Much Of The 90's...
10. When you make phone
calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an
9. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in
7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.
5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the
US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to
you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of 4.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
Top Ten Signs You Know You've
Joined A Redneck HMO...
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle
stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park".
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in
here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen
where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
Top Ten Ways To Be An Annoying
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before
opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency
8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"
7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity
searches are optional.
6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent
as you show people to their seats.
5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open
up. Make comments about marking your territory.
4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the
shadows when time permits.
3. Offer your "services" to all guests.
2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your
plans for world domination.
1. Insist on a pants-free environment.
Top Ten Things Not To Say To
Your New Girlfriend's Parents...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how
long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of
knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's
will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks
expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe
already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being
bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now.
My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner
market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on
Top Ten Reasons
Studying is Better Than Sex...
10. You can usually
find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and
pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about
who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a
reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt
you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always
ask your roommate for help!
Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is
Having A Cyber Affair...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone
Their Fly is Unzipped...
1. The cucumber has left the salad.
2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is
3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to
5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of
8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis
Top Ten Things You Don't Want
To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To
Settlement On Your New Home...
1. "I think unexplained crop
circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard
that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the
Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered
them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's
5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically,
they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's
unlikely that it would reach as far back as your
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even
when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their
practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the
prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty
In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?